finche swings

Sunday, November 19, 2006

I can tell you that I've been running a really lousy program of recovery lately. Not enough meetings, not calling my sponsor, retreating into too much isolation -- all the alcoholic behaviors I tend to fall into. Some fear of the future, confusion about what to do next, frustration, resentment and anger.

Fear, confusion, frustration, resentment and anger -- all the signs that I've been spending a lot of time with my wife! :) I have been going to LA every week, and my wife has let me stay with her. Sometimes. She says she wants to work on reconciliation. Sometimes. Other times she says she wants to give up. I never know what she will do or say next; she is unforgiving of all my shortcomings, big or small, real or imagined; her word is her bond until she changes her mind. All in all, business as usual.

I've done my best to be reliable, trustworthy, supportive, open, patient, reasonable and forgiving. I'm far from perfect, and it's not driven by any romantic passion, but I'm making the effort. I remain committed to doing my part to reconcile our marriage and restore our family. I can't say I'm optimistic, but I leave the outcome in God's hands.

As a practical matter, I'm following the advice not to initiate big changes in the first year of sobriety, if I can avoid them. I'm coming up on six months sober, so I'll kick her to the curb in another six months! Seriously, though, a lot of miracles can happen in six months. One day at a time. And a lot of Serenity Prayers.


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